This year the holidays were super fun. I had my girl’s this year and we did our bi-annual cookie bake off. We make more sweets then we know what to do with and then invite people over Christmas Eve to eat them and then take them home. This year was particularly fun because my girls were old enough to help. We baked several of our favorites, a big fat HoHo cake which is a chocolate roll cake and homemade whipped cream, Yummy!
Holidays can be trying and challenging for a lot of divorced families. We were hoping that Rob and his children were going to come for part of the holiday however his ex was not going to have it. It is unfortunate that the children suffer at the insecurities and lack mentality of their parents. It is unfortunate when divorced parents don’t really put the needs of their children first and manipulate their children into thinking that their needs and desires are the same as their parents.
So this holiday as our families change and grow we make adjustments to what is and what is not. We enjoy each other when we have the time to spend with each other and we let go of the expectations we have of the perfect family or the perfect scenario and go with the flow. When this happens it create a peace and harmony in what can easily be a chaotic situation. We can move from a place of allowing the alienating parent to control and manipulate our emotions to just being.
My ex and I have a relationship where we can be in the same room with each other and be kind and courteous. He came over Christmas morning after we had our time with Santa and had some lunch and we exchanged gifts. It is not my favorite part of Christmas for me, however it is my children’s favorite part. Even though they know mom and dad will never be together again they like it when we spend time together with them. It is important to set a good example for our children after divorce that their relationship with both of their parents is important.
The day after Christmas the girls went to their dads for the second half of the holiday break. This part is particularly painful to me as my mother who continue to behave in an alienating fashion sends the girls big presents to their dads house, along with my grandmother who has been manipulated by my mother she no longer send me the hand selected Hallmark Holiday card she send them to my ex titled to the Worlds Greatest Grandson…it is perplexing at best considering my grandmother has only seen my ex 3 times at most in the 18 years I have know him. What’s unfortunate is how my ex thinks that this is ok and encourages this behavior. He is the passive aggressive alienator and pretends like he is unaware of the damage this causes to our children. This used to infuriate me now that understand the psychology of this toxic behavior I no longer allow their behavior to impact me. I come from a place of forgiveness and let it go.
So many alienators love to say “well I am not an alienator because they ma not say out right You other parent is bad, or mean or does not love you, because they behave in a very passive aggressive way they can fool a lot of people into thinking they are the victim and that their has wronged them they have done nothing etc, however this year is the year that Parental Alienation in all of is fall out will be included in the DSM (Diagnosis and statistical mental disorders. If not you have not sent in your vote can do so here http://www.fathersandfamilies.org/?page_id=5372 This will bring in more consistency to family court and more importantly catch and stop the behavior early on. I do believe that some alienators can stop. When they can set aside their anger and pain and their victim mindset and truly put their disdain and hate for the other parent aside and put the love for your children first.
The man I am seeing his ex came after me this past weekend when we went to get the kids. She would not open the door she had the kids speak to me through the mail slot on the door. She finally came to the door when Rob threatened to call the police and charge her with kidnapping. She came after me with all guns a blazing. She was all over the map screaming toxic nonsense and anger at me for bloging and doing what I do. Angry for accusing her of being an alienator yet continue to scream at me in front of her children belittling Rob and then me in front of the children. She has her daughter spying on us. She removes our business cards from Robs house and anything else she want to use to try to manipulate. It is very unfortunate. She even has her children reading what I write. She thinks that what she is doing is normal and that having adult conversations with her children is appropriate. She feels that using them, as her sounding board for all the horrible things she feels Rob has done is somehow healthy and normal. She thinks that yelling at me and raising her hands to hit me more then once in front of her children is normal and healthy. She believes that now the demise of her relationship is my fault yet the separated 3 years before we met. She has now turned her toxic behavior towards me. Worried I am sure of any type of relationship I would have with their children she is taking this opportunity to throw me under the bus. What is the saddest apart of all of this is the kids are caught in the crossfire. They are trying to not be disloyal to their mother who is constantly fit to be tied and in the process spirally into the lack mentality, hate and despair. They are so confused they say things like I am destroying their family? That’s perplexing since the divorce was four years ago. The kids are using vulgar language towards me as if this is ok. The ex was making a stance for her pride as she did not want to me to see inside her house as they just got back from a trip and the suitcases were still in the living room and that was why she was so upset, the verbal attack was irrational and all over the board. It ended with her finally sending the reluctant children out to the car and me leaving her porch. If I had it to do over again we would have notified her that I was coming as well so she could get prepared, however in an effort to contact his children for the entire week prior with not one return phone call except from his 8 year old son just prior to our drive to her home to pick them up, it would be difficult to have achieved that task.
I will chalk up his ex’s claims to not being an alienator to her lack of really knowing what that means. My hope for the children is that she will realize what her behavior is doing to her children before they turn on her in adulthood. My hope is that all the alienators of the world will take the time to heal their wounds to understand the source of their behavior and get the help that they need to learn how to truly love themselves and then love others including their children. It does not have to be this difficult. There does not need to be all this hurt, drama and pain. Nobody is saying that divorce is easy. It really does not matter who is to blame it takes two to tango some alienators love to claim that since they did not want to leave the unhealthy marriage that the target parent is 100% to blame so therefore they do not deserve to have any kind of a relationship with their children. They think it is okay to tell the children that the other parent left the family when in reality the other parent left the marriage not the family. These false claims and attacks damage the children’s self esteem and relationship in the future. A lack of understand at this level is what causes early onset of drug abuse, inappropriate sexual activity and suicide in teens. It is with greater awareness change happens.
My intent to shed light on my personal journeys through parental alienation is to help others see the errors of their ways, to understand that change can happen when you make the choice to change and that love and forgiveness is a simple change action away. An alienator can make the decision to do something different and then do it. A target parent can respond and take constructive action at anytime it is making the decision to do it and then doing it. It really is that simple. I have watched it in my own life and I have coached many others to do the very same thing. All you have to do is make a different choice.
As a side note To Rob’s ex who is now reading my blog, I invite you to let go of your anger. I invite you to think about the ramification your actions and words have on your children as well as yourself. I am more then happy to talk with you when ever you wish. I want you to know that I understand your pain and I understand your fear and I understand how you feel about me I even understand your anger towards your ex. I am not trying to take any thing from you. I am simply trying to help the man I love have a healthy loving relationship with his children that he once had. There is plenty of room in their hearts to love both of you and the people you both choose to share your lives with, it does not have to be wrought with fighting and hatred. It can be filled with love and connectedness. I know you don’t want to be my friend and no one is saying that you have to be what is important is to encourage the bond between both you and you’re children as well as their father and their children. They are not a possession to be fought over they are human beings who can think and act for themselves. One day they will grow into adulthood and nothing world be more tragic then to watch your beautiful children grow into their adulthood with hatred in their hearts and learned behavior that is not healthy or loving. It will affect ALL of their relationship. Including their relationship with you trust me, I KNOW!!!!!
Next week I will share my journey to the Rose Parade in hopes of seeing my mother and my continued efforts to bridge the gap…
In love and Peace,
Dorcy Russellparental alienation, PAS