So, I had an experience yesterday that I’d never had before. I walked into my therapist’s office and there was this look on her face I had never seen before. I had been seeing her for a little over a year, something the custody evaluator said I should do. I’m certainly not saying I have no flaws, but even as the therapist herself confirmed, there wasn’t an overly pressing reason for me to be there other than to help respond to the stress I have been experiencing as a response to my ex’s behaviors. Being false allegations of sexual abuse, even when you know it’s made up and it’s confirmed to be false by both CPS and the police is stressful.
These last 26 months since I got the strength to leave my ex-wife have been stressful beyond anything I could have imagined. Mostly because of her utter disregard for our child’s well-being and the lengths she has gone to keep our child away from their father.
And I get this stuff isn’t for the faint of heart.
So, back to what turned out to be my final visit to this therapist yesterday. She had said from the beginning that she did not want to be involved with the court system and she felt like it was becoming more and more of a possibility that she might have to deal with it.
In addition, she got a report from the evaluator who did a psychosexual evaluation and was told she could not share its contents with me. I scratch my head to understand that logic—if anyone in the psychological field could explain it to me in the comments section I’d surely appreciate it. But one thing was becoming apparent, this was too much for her. She asked me if I knew what my child had been saying and I said yes. She said I hadn’t told her. I became even more puzzled and reminded her I showed her the motion my ex’s lawyer had filed (see he denied their motion) back in June. She said she may have glossed over it. I started realizing this person was deleting and forgetting things, perhaps unconsciously but no matter why she wasn’t up for dealing with this. She made a comment that this had been going on for way too long and she was out of her depth.
So, she recommended a forensic psychologist, wished me well and I was out the door. I looked up the professional code of ethics. While it looks like she did this according to the guidelines I was a bit disappointed she just ejected me like that.
BUT… If the last almost 2 years have taught me anything it is to roll with the punches or get run over by them. I went home, started making phone calls and the first person I reached sounded just as freaked out and said she wouldn’t consider working with me. I was sitting there feeling like these tactics by my ex and her lawyer were working—the strategy being just scare and spook anyone they can—to destroy relationships inside of my support structure. I finally remembered I have a friend who is a clincal psychologist and I got a hold of her. Good reminder—when in doubt finding someone with more experience and familiarity with an issue is a good idea. She helped me sort out the situation and gave me great advice on who to look for. Here is what she helped me figure out:
- I do NOT need a forensic psychologist. There have been two of those involved with this process already in addition to two other therapists working with my child. CPS has made a definitive determination that I have not done anything and that my ex-wife has been coaching and trying to alienate our child from me.
- My ex’s lawyer is making a lot of noise. She’s good at that. But the noise does nothing to change the findings, SO…
- I need to find a therapist who has experience in trauma (she said 10 years plus) and won’t be phased by this sort of stuff.
Well, as unbelievable as it may sound, 90 minutes later I was calling the phone number of someone listed on the http://www.psychologytoday.com website, and this totally chill voice answers. Trauma among her specialties, 12 years experience. I told her the story of my situation and she says, “Well, sometimes court appearances happen. Not much phases me.” She has a sliding scale which makes it affordable since I have no insurance.
I have an appointment next Wednesday. Right now I am feeling very grateful for the support, both seen and unseen I seem to be having so much of during this journey.