Dear Ex Spouse,
While I fully understand the trauma you went through, today you are making a choice.
You went through something horrible….I get it. Today however, you are replaying that trauma through our child and abusing them just as you were abused.
I am sorry if you feel rejected or abandoned at our divorce or separation. I truly am but our child does not deserve to suffer as you did. Our child has a loving parent waiting to spend time with them, love them and share time with you. What you went through was horrible, it is trauma for sure. Just please don’t repeat this pattern through our child.
We are adults…we have choices. Let’s work together to break this cycle of pain for our child. I know you hate me and that’s o.k…hate me all you want. Our child deserves the love of two parents. Our child will flourish if we can work together.
I know you may not see it but I am not your enemy. I am not the person that hurt you when you were young. You don’t have to like me….just please love our child more than you hate me. I will do my best to share, love and co-parent our child—just give me that chance.
All the money we waste in family court we could use to buy our child gifts, take vacations and spend on college for our child.
You contributed 23 chromosomes to our child as did I. Our child is half of each of us. I will always love you as the parent of our child so I am not abandoning you. We will always be a part of each other’s lives to some degree and you loved me at some point. Let’s try to work together so we can give our child a happy, healthy life. I will not hurt you like you were in the past. Even if I wasn’t the best spouse or vice versa I love our child as much as you do.
Let’s stop this pain…even if our child says they don’t want to see me….it will help them if you encourage a relationship. I’m always willing to sit down and talk…let’s end this pain cycle. It’s just not worth it.
Our child deserves better.
Signed with love,
Targeted parent
Good luck with that. If they could actually reflect and think rationally, none of us would be in this situation in the first place. Very well written but, if you actually send it to that X, it will only invite more heartbreak and mayhem. In the PD’d X’s world, you will always be wrong and that trauma will always be re-lived thru you…there is no rationalizing with a monster created by their own PD’d parent…unfortunately the cycle is near impossible to break. “I am not your enemy.” How many times did I say that within the many years of an ever continually frustrating marriage? We were the enemy du jour, for they will always need an enemy to fight, for THE FIGHT gives them a charge and makes the feel SOMETHING. Because they can’t feel real love…ever. The only thing you can do…is get away. And unfortunately, if we can’t “save” our kids, as most of us inevitably can’t, they’re left to fend for themselves in the alternate reality created by our Xs. Sink or swim, I’ll be here if and when you come out the other side…how much damage will YOU sustain…and will you become part of the X’s pain chain? Only time will tell. Bleak I know but…them’s the facts.
Mike,
This wasn’t meant for the ex. it was meant for your own approach to it. As long as we carry anger towards the alienator, they still have us. Getting away is a mental decision as much as it is a physical one. I don’t believe it’s inevitable nor do I think them’s necessarily the facts, certainly not now given the information that’s available on upping the likelihood of turning things around. it is being done, every day.
It sounds nice and I would consider it, but the Pathogenic Parent (usually someone with Borderline Personality Disorder) is not someone with whom one can reason. Applying logic does not work with these people. In my case, I do not believe my ex-wife ever loved me (or anyone). Yes, they have been hurt, but they don’t respond to logic. Again, I really like the message, but I don’t see any way it would work with the type of person who practices Pathogenic Parenting.
Hi Don,
Thanks for the feedback.
This was not meant for the other person, it was meant for us. We have to work with our own approach to this situation. As long as we think we had nothing to do with it and are not doing things to keep the dynamic going, we are truly powerless. it always takes two to tango as the saying goes. The only way I know of to stop this is to not engage with it and that can only happen if we look at ourselves. This isn’t meant to be a platitude, there are resources here and other places on how to effectively start to do that.
Hi james thanks for sharing and so true. Helping a child during this crisis is key so that the pathogen dies with the current generation. Finding that for the child is key.
Thanks again
Im not sure about you james but when I met mine it was all about empathy and I think to get out of it and for the best interest of the children you have to express that empathy again however let and also be more strategic on exposing what that means to a child.
Hi Judy
I think I understand what you’re getting at. Empathy without direction or strategy is actually a boundary issue and a way for someone with a limited or non existent ability to have it a way to destroy us.
Strategy allows us to have and use it when appropriate and when not to.
If only alienated parents could take this approach, I believe it will help immensely not only in deescalating the fight but also to cope better with the whole situation. Thanks for sharing this.