The following is a reply to someone asking about clarification as to Dr. Childress’ methods of helping a child who is suffering from the effects of pathogenic parenting. The discussion is in comments section of his blog post: Mercer Redux
I am addressing the comment Susan made here.
Hi Susan,
I am addressing the points I saw you make.
Let me clarify. When I say two sides, I mean two sides that are automatically assumed to have equal weight or value, and that the answer is some where in the middle.
http://rationalwiki.org/wiki/Balance_fallacy
While I appreciate your encouragement, I was not posting my situation for a personal compliment. I was posting it because it has been my experience over time that making things specific can illustrate a larger situation in a more “concrete” way, rather than putting it into hypothetical terms. Like for example when the news says that the US flew a sortie over XX country and took out a target—we can all sleep better than if was reported and shown as as people bombed out of their homes and you see the blood soaked faces of people where the guts of their former friends and neighbors are sprayed on the streets. Too violent an image? Imagine if that’s how all bombings were shown. i am guessing the outcry against such behavior would begin to grow substantially. It’s so easy to get lost in a discussion on the theory and lose sight of the fact that children are being harmed—right now. Right now my child is being pressured to hate thier father. Right now my child is scheduled to do a psychosexual assessment—innocence is being messed with because mom wants to try and prove me to be something I’m not, even after three mental health professionals have confirmed there is nothing going on.
Dr. Mercer keeps trying to poke holes in Dr. Childress’s position without any other ideas of her own to put into practice right now. She keeps trying to posit that the solution is too complex – which makes people, who deal in concrete ideas less interested and give up or move on. This is another fallacy of thought. It is a tactic of disinformation known as “Enigmas have no solution”.
http://www.exitsupportnetwork.com/artcls/mindctrl/disinfo.htm#Enigmas Item #12.
At least to me she is someone whose behavior (what I can see “out here in the world”) is consistent with someone aligned with those who do not want anything to change.
To answer your other questions, I continue to learn myself, as does Dr. Childress. I think your point is very valid—you don’t want to take the child from one parent and then just put them with the other indefinitely- the same imbalance occurs—the same longing for the child to have both parents still needs to be addressed. Dr. Childress has his own detailed protocols for how to do this, and works closely with Dorcy Pruter (http://www.consciouscoparentinginstitute.com/)
who has a method for addressing the damage done by this dynamic along with how to create functional separated family systems. You can read more about his thoughts in her work here:
https://drcraigchildressblog.com/2014/12/02/high-road-to-family-reunification/
I think it’s good to probe for solutions. I agree. I would never have found this work to begin with if I hadn’t been. And I don’t know if there is a better way. But I am also very much a “don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good”kind of person. To look for the perfect solution means inaction while we wait. And we cannot wait. So far, this work and this model have far and away been the most effective I have seen in this area in helping children NOW.
Hi, I just read again on Dr. Childress’s blog his praise of Dorothy Prueter’s treatment plan for reunification. Again, I have a lot of questions, too many to post here, and this is likely not the forum for it. While I agree we don’t want to throw our hands up in the air and do nothing b/c of the complexity of the problem, the reality is, some problems are extremely complex, and when a family gets to this level of dysfunction and it becomes both a psychological and legal battlefield involving minors…it IS extremely complex. I will do my best to read more about her treatment plan, including the requirement that the child be taken (by court authority) from the narcissistic/borderline parent as a early needed stage of treatment to move forward, this is what Dr. C is saying. I work in this field, and it’s my experience that there is usually a “couple” problem, not an individual problem in these cases. I’m not saying it’s never just one individual in the couple who holds severe trauma and is causing the majority of the problem. But it’s rare in my experience. It’s just so often the case (from what I have seen in the trenches) that two people hold complementary trauma, that is why they were drawn to each other in the first place, and that trauma is then co-created within the couple and impacts the children and so when I take the child from one parent I identify as the bigger problem or the Identified Patient b/c the child is currently aligned with that parent and move the child to the other parent, that other parent then takes the opportunity to powerfully triangulate in the exact same way only now with court sanction!!! That’s why we don’t usually point to an identified patient. This is how it goes from where I sit as a therapist in the trenches. Where are these cases where it’s so crystal clear that one parent is so much more disturbed and embroiled in b/w thinking and splitting and is so emotionally disturbed but they hooked up with someone so healthy that they aren’t also holding onto complimentary patterns of distorted beliefs/thoughts that impact the child? This IS complex in real life. Personality disorders when treatable, take a long time to treat and it’s complex. It just is. There are no easy solutions. It is very common for these two wounded people to ‘find’ each other. Skilled marriage counselors see this all the time to one degree or another. It’s just the way it goes in real life. I’m looking for assistance with what happens in the trenches with families in real life every day that is both effective and sensitive to the fact that usually BOTH have unresolved trauma. I am also interested in what can be done to assess and start early treatment to help prevent these cases from ever getting to the level that leads to years of courtroom drama.
Hi Susan,
I don’t disagree with much of what you’re saying, and no doubt there are likely dynamics that draw 2 people to each other. But what I keep coming back to is that there are easy to spot dynamics happening “out here” in the world, like one parent stating and behaving in a way that is consistent with their children having a relationship with both parents, while the other behaving in a way that does not. Like one parent like me coming back with a normal range MMPI result and my ex coming back with one that isn’t. Regardless of all the dynamics you describe, regardless of the healing that can possibly occur when 2 individuals want to grow and change– when there is a child actively being prevented access to both parents when there is no good reason to do so, that has simply got to be unacceptable and must be stopped. People’s internal experiences are complex but the world we live in is one where people’s actions are judged, not their thoughts.
And to address the triangulation with court sanction example you’ve put forth – I do not think that holds water here. From my understanding, triangulation is one of the key criterion that is observable and provable. If that is now occurring with the other parent then that parent must be dealt with the same way. This is about the child having a relationship with both parents. If that standard is not being met there would have to be further intervention.
However, I believe what you are citing as an example of an exception, not the rule by any means.
I’m all ears as to how to assess this sort of dynamic early on but I don’t think it’s usually recognizable until a certain level of dysfunctional behavior is observable.
My case is one of extreme parental alienation with an evaluation conducted by an “expert” which cite to high -moderate to potentially high levels of alienation that she concluded was “child abuse” in fact, its been ongoing for 2 years in the courts and they have failed to recognize it as a factor or even consider it in the process of determining “the best interests of the children” do you have any experience in testifying as an expert witness to these facts or in doing your own evaluations? Do you believe that these findings have weight in a family law context? thanks, Jennifer Davidson-Parker
Hi Jennifer, I am thinking you want to contact Dr. Crg Childress directly. https://drcachildress.org/