It’s been an interesting journey trying to navigate through this morass of what bright me to this point in my life. While everything has been about getting my child a relationship with both of their parents, it feels like that has been the tip of the iceberg. I know there are several more years of my ex being who she is, and everything that comes with that. It has become a matter of survival to get better acquainted with how I tick and let go of the things that don’t help me anymore.
For example, these last few weeks have been, for better or worse very illuminating in terms of my understanding more deeply the personal dynamics that have run me. It involves a finding (or creating) an issue so it can be solved. Of course that means someone has to need saving and someone needs to bad or abusive. It comes with a lot of noise (noise as I define it, a lot of drama and accusations with no proof.)
Through my experiences and input from people like Dr. Craig Childress (who explains this in much more detail) and Dr. Jennifer Jill Harman, I believe helping my child have the best shot at a life free of this stuff is to know myself and do whatever I can to sort it out.
What It Is… and What It Isn’t
Some of these types of “aha” moments can be very painful, for me the essence of experiencing insecure attachment. But for some reason, this time it clicked: Not my circus. Not my monkeys. Not My Circus. Not My Monkeys.. I cannot save anyone else and the only thing that will likely come of an attempt are more drowning people.
When it comes down to it, I am only responsible for two people right now—me and my child.
I am looking at this like lifting heaver “barbells” as it were to get here. My ex, other “friends” who turned out to either be similar to her (and those who got drawn into the delusions), and now more recent revelations, I am really “getting” whose circus it is and whose it isn’t.
I believe it can potentially help my child out immensely if I am not carrying what isn’t mine around inside me. And the more whole as a human being I can be, the better I can be that contrasting influence, and who knows what doors that can open.