Tips to Help Stop Parental Alienation in Its Tracks
I get emails somewhat regularly from people—a theme I see over and over. For the sake of reminding ourselves and imparting this absolutely necessary information—it really comes down to a very simple yet powerful starting point, a “north star” if you will for either going through the process of alienation you are in and continue to live through (thus raising your chances of a good outcome in the end) or letting it devastate or destroy you. I recognize there are those whose children have grown into young adults and right now don’t experience a quality relationship with their kids if any at all. But this still matters.
You have only two choices at any given moment. You can fruitlessly attempt to control others, your ex, your kids, grandkids, etc. or you can control yourself.
This may sound like an impossible task, but it’s not, and it’s the only thing that will make any real difference over time. Thinking that “once I get my kids back, then I can” ( fill in the blank ) is going at it from the WRONG direction.
I’m going to guess that many have prayed for something to happen, in whatever way that might be.
But most of us can’t see the fundamental flaw in that.
God (or whatever you call Him) is not Santa Claus, and he (or she or however you hold that relationship) is not actually always testing us for a bigger plan.
Sometimes, there just isn’t room in ourselves. Who we are at a certain point is just someone unable to notice an opportunity to change things for the better, because we aren’t able to see it.
I have found and have heard countless stories of things that seem to, quote, change on their own, unquote, once they start to put in the effort on what they actually CAN change and then actually DO things to change from the inside out.
The Best Place to Start is at the Beginning
One of the hardest things for me was realizing that I helped get myself here. It took years of training by a mother who I strongly believe suffers from cluster B personality disorders, a dad who unsuccessfully tried to fix and manage her followed up by years of practice on my own after I got out of the house.
All parts of a puzzle.
For sure it affected me, my siblings, and my whole way of seeing my life including my distorted beliefs regarding how relationships were supposed to work. But now, I have better ways of unwinding these sorts of things in practical and effective ways.
One of THE most consistent ways I have seen in this growing community of people who are getting their kids back is that they must, must, must get themselves back as well. Exes and their support systems will be able to smell the odor of fear and disconnection and it’s their strength. All the amazing tools in the world will have limited effectiveness if we aren’t able to use them properly.
The way OUT is by going in.
Take in the available information on this site, and seek out the resources of people who have turned their situations around. Find out the common denominators of strategy—but don’t expect much to happen unless you make sure you recognize you can only control yourself.
And never before has more been available to help you do just that.
Photo by kirkandmimi (Pixabay)
I’ve been separated from my children since Dec 13/11 & July 22/14. They are now almost 22 & 19. I raised them till they were 15 while their father dealt with his addictions.
We prayed for him every day & I always told them how much their father loved & missed them. I tried to do everything I could to help him & am now able to see better the mistakes I made that enabled him to do w
The things he did.
Numerous times the pain has almost taken me out. Left me immobilized. I didn’t know what to do as everything I said & did was twisted & used against me. I’d go over & over every detail thinking how I should have done this &/or shouldn’t have said that. So BRUTAL!!
The court system is so lacking too. I pleaded with the judge for family counseling & was told “Its a little late for that!” WTH??
Anyways,..I’m now focusing on me & not the heartbreak of what I can’t change…
I miss my babies more than words can say but I’m now able to smile, laugh & even envision them back in my life one day.
It’s up to me to become the best/healthiest version of who I was meant to be & let go of everything that isn’t serving me or others.
Thank you for this post.
Michelle, I’m SO sorry to hear of your situation, but I am heartened that this was of some help. For sure the best (and only) way of effectively”winning” this is to not play. And being the best version of yourself as you put it is the key strategy. Waaaaay easier said than done. And I like to think this is going to change on a big level majorly sooner than later—in no small part of the communication so many of us now have to shatter the illusion we are alone. I was fortunate to get some of this information starting about 6 months after my separation or no doubt it would have likely gone much worse. Thanks for sharing.