I get emails somewhat regularly from people—a theme I see over and over. For the sake of reminding ourselves and imparting this absolutely necessary information—it really comes down to a very simple yet powerful starting point, a “north star” if you will for either going through the process of alienation you are in and continuing to live through (thus raising your chances of a good outcome in the end) or letting it devastate or destroy you. I recognize there are those whose children have grown into young adults and right now don’t experience a quality relationship with their kids, if any at all. But this still matters.
It comes down to this :
WHAT YOU STRIVE TO CONTROL DETERMINES YOUR FATE.
You have only two choices at any given moment. You can fruitlessly attempt to control others, your ex, your kids, grand kids, etc.. or you can control yourself. This may sound like an impossible task, but it’s not, and it’s the only thing that will make any real difference over time. Thinking that “once I get my kids back, then I can… (fill in the blank)” is going at it from the wrong direction.
I’m going to guess that most of here have prayed for something to happen, in whatever that way might be. But most of us don’t see the fundamental flaw in that. God (or whatever you call him) is not Santa Claus, and he (or she or whatever you think of that relationship as) is not always testing us for a bigger plan. Sometimes, there is no room in ourselves, who we are at a certain point to accept what he may be trying to give, or notice opportunities to change things because we aren’t able to see them. I have found and have heard countless stories of things that seem to “change on their own” once we start to put in the effort on what we CAN change and doing things to change from the inside out.
One of THE hardest things for me was realizing that I helped get myself here. It took years of training by a mother who I strongly believe is BPD/NPD and a dad who tried to fix and manage her. Both parts of a puzzle. For sure it affected me, my siblings, and my whole way of seeing my life and how relationships were supposed to work. And now I have many things I am doing to unwind it in very practical and effective ways.
And one of THE most consistent things I have seen in this growing community of people who are getting their kids back is that they MUST MUST MUST get themselves back as well. Exes and their support systems will be able to smell the odor of fear and disconnection and it’s their strength. All the amazing tools in the world will have limited effectiveness if we aren’t able to use them properly.
The way out is by going in. Read the information here. Seek out resources of people who have turned their situations around. Find out the common denominators of strategy, but don’t expect much to happen unless you make sure you recognize you can only control you. And never before has more been available to help you do just that.