I know many of us tell those around us about how we are (and think other targeted parents are as well) constantly working on ways to help get our kids back or struggle to co-parent with a dysfunctional ex.
But I’m willing to bet every single person has at times (more time than they probably want to admit to themselves or anyone else) that they are spending a fair amount of time busy doing nothing.
When I say “busy doing nothing” I mean “doing” nothing as in when not needing to be somewhere or do something many are sleeping a lot, trying to get all kinds of things more things done—but not succeeding—noticing all the things that might or could be a good idea to do—but are left undone—and berating ourselves for not doing all of it. The hamster-wheel logic is if we could get more done we could get our kids back, or at least improve the relationships we currently have.
After all… we’re dealing with a variety of issues— Courts that don’t get it, therapists that don’t get it, perhaps even former friends/family that can’t see what’s going on when the truth is so evident to us.
So what is there to do to solve this? What can we possibly do that will make a difference based on what’s been happening so far?
The answer sometimes is— to actually DO nothing.
One of the biggest issues that we have as targeted parents or caregivers are falling prey to the internal agitation the alienator in our lives goes to great lengths to stir up. They do everything they can so that we feel like we are worthless or worth-less, that we need to justify our value to everyone. This is because they have a very unstable concept of themselves and need to drag you into the same pit in order to have a chance at staying in control of the situation. They want you to be thinking like that, churning, scheming, thinking about how you are going to get them—thinking about how you need to better explain yourself to the legal system in the therapeutic system so that they’ll understand that you are actually worthy of having your own children in your life.
But the truth is… don’t need to explain yourself.
First and foremost your (and anyone’s) value is inherent. This story of worth being tied to productivity is engrained in lots of social factors like industrial era brainwashing. You are not a factory nor are you a widget.
Time doing stuff doesn’t equal value. Being as present as you can and does noticeably enhance the value of any effort you put out. That’s what matters.
Making sure you were getting proper rest, meditating, remembering to do simple things like eat enough and drink enough, balancing any chemical imbalance as you may have due to the chronic stress you’ve been experiencing through medication or supplementation. That’s what matters.
We’ve all been around someone who is agitation is palpable even when they’re not saying anything and others who even when they’re speaking come across as very quiet. It cannot be overstated that getting control of this way of coming across is one of the singularly most effective things anyone of us can “do.” We, of course, need to do many tangible things to properly respond to what’s going on around us but the way in which we respond makes all the difference.
How do we do that?
Staying focused on the very next right thing you can do rather than trying to get everything done at once for starters. Going from trying to get 100 things done to one will immediately help calm you down and move forward in the right direction.
Find something to be grateful for. Every single day you can find at least one thing. Apart from it feeling good there is substantial scientific evidence that shows it completely changes your chemistry and allows you to stay focused and responsive rather than scattered and reactive.
Your presence is requested by your children.
Stay focused on what your children need. If they aren’t with you very much or at all right now you can still, even by the way you think about them or if you have contact with them… respond to them in such a way that they know they have both of you. That’s what matters.
Even if what they’re doing or saying on the outside doesn’t convey that it doesn’t make it any less true for them.
And doing nothing sometimes, intentionally and deliberately, can be one of the most powerful steps in changing things for the better, and will make all the effort you do put in that much more effective.
I am grateful for your eloquence and simplicity. You are kind, thoughtful and have created what I consider to be a harness of positive energy. As Eckhart Tolle extols the virtues of the present, your extension brings them to life and provides lovely possibilities of meaning and truth.
Thank you again for your presence.
Yours Sincerely,
Ryan Glaser (Dad of 2 boys Marco (12) and Toby (9))
*Last contact 5 June 2020 to bring Toby a birthday present.
* Last Court Order 21 July 2020 – The boys can initiate indirect or direct contact when they wish. In five months… one Whatsapp … two words… “All Good”.
*Sept/Oct – one failed attempt at suicide… Took 30 sleeping pills – woke up the next day in a psych ward and was released in wet clothing. Arrived home to my rented 1 bed flat to see I’d written my “last thoughts” in permanent marker covered my lounge walls, kitchen cupboards, microwave, kitchen countertops and kitchen door
*5 Nov – I am making a great recovery. Having made peace with my parents, having been outside and now starting to discover how to transform my rays of hope into a new youthful energetic, peaceful and joyful shared experience.
Ryan
Oh my God.
There is no doubt 10,000 others (and more) are experiencing this kind of thing but most can’t share this or don’t know anyone else is.
I’m SO sorry and thank you for sharing.
If you’d like to contact me to chat, please feel free. james@beyondparentalalienation.com
This is great. We as TPs often remain in this place of deep grief, then overwhelm, then judgement, shame… lather, rinse, repeat.
I can’t overstate how vital your point about “staying focused on the very next right thing” actually is to our emotional, mental, and physical well-being. Staying in a state of confusion about which task to complete first only keeps us down, and is so dangerous for us.. because before we know it, months have passed, and nothing (other than being overwhelmed about being overwhelmed) is accomplished — which, of course activates the shame cycle once again.
Also, your emphasis on our inherent worthiness is something I wish more therapists in the field would put their attention on — because it’s so true — the alienator has spent years making sure that everyone and their brother knows just how unworthy we are; I don’t care how much work a parent has done on themselves, those words DO end up resonating after so long. Having the tools to combat these childish (yet pernicious) strategies is essential for two reasons:
1. if planning on returning to court, knowing and believing your own worth is invaluable when iterating your story on (and off) stand — not only does it help with credibility, it helps with your own emotional barometer/resilience and sense of peace throughout the proceedings.
2. knowing our worth is literally our ticket to experiencing happiness/joyful moments during and after alienation. We spent so much time striving to prove our worthiness to a broken system and the judges surrounding it — whether they are officers of the court, teachers/community members, or our *own* attorneys, family members, and friends. We tend to forget that we were already deserving — just by being born, and just like the rest.
One of the biggest hurdles I (along with most of my clients) have is discerning what to say — and to whom — when the subject of children comes up in conversation. Do we lie in effort to save the other party from the heavy topic? Do we just shrug it off with a “oh the kids are GREAT!” and hope that the conversation turns? Or do we risk sounding like lunatics by laying it all out on the line while standing in the grocery store parking lot? Well, I don’t think there is a blanket answer here, but what I do know is this: When we are coming from a place of compassion for ourselves, our children, and YES, even the alienator (remember y’all, even *they* are worthy), we are able to clear that hurdle with way more confidence and grace.
Thanks James for your article. I just stumbled on your site today, and am looking forward to reading more.
Best,
Shelby
devoted mom to my 14 yr old daughter Scarlett
Post-Traumatic Growth Coach for Alienated Parents
Thank you for taking the time to write. (I hadn’t seen this before now.)
I feel fortunate every day for the help and the outcomes I have gotten and when I can help others/help expand their knowledge it makes it so worthwhile! Knowing we’re not alone is so underrated sometimes….
I wanted to that I am debating on just volunterly surrendering my parental rights as both of my children are almost 15 and due to the children’s therapist helping the kids cut me out and dispite what the court has said, phychologist has found and against the DFS advice the individual counselor Candice at Blessing Behavioral Health has helped the kids to manipulate the system. I lost all custody due to PA and it deeply hurts to have not just my love distroyed but my entire family’s love. The kids both are now transgender and want nothing of who they wince were. To the point they threaten suicide or self harm should they ever see me again. The family therapist continues to try but I feel they truely are dead. They are adamant about their unwavering hatered towards my family and my new husbands family. The wedge started when a DFS caseworker took the kids to interfere with the custody battle and to get in my ex’s feoncia. Judge noted this in the new custody order where I am no longer part of the kids lives. The caseworker was fired for it but the damage has been done. My heart hurts and the pain of them being gone is no different than if they had died.
Hey Sara—I’m so sorry to hear this.
I know it’s hard to believe this but they don’t hate you or your family. They are desperately trying to survive unbearable pressure.
And I agree with your therapist on continuing to try. And there are more and more people proving it every day. Given the right input, you would be surprised how fast they can actually “come back”. That is because this is not natural. If you give up–well you just can’t.
What are you doing to get yourself better? Please look at my coping skills posts. Go look to those who have turned things around and keep doing what is necessary. It will likely be very uncomfortable, which is probably good because it means doing something you haven’t done before.
James,
Thank you for this blog. I am a targeted parent. I lost everything in the divorce. MY house, the kids, alimony, child support on 50-50 custody. My ex turned my children against me. Telling them horrific lies about me, brainwashing them. The therapist testified that the Alienation Syndrome was so severe that they needed twice a week intensive therapy. The judge appointed a new therapist. They went one time for a 1/2 hour each and the therapist said the children didn’t need to go if they didn’t want to have a relationship with me.
My beautiful twins, that I was sooo very close to. they tell me that I am dead to them. that I am their mother only by blood and that I disgust them. I was the main care giver and provider for the house. I have had false allegations of abuse, injunctions and arrests. All were dropped and deemed unfounded. I NEVER laid a hand on my children. I went through so much to even have God bless me with children. I am so lucky to have been their mom.
But the pain and the injustice. My ex was in contempt of court four times before he finally just took the kids. Wouldn’t let them go to court order reunification therapy with me.. They aged out of the system in April. They are about to graduate high school and dad won’t give me tickets to attend their graduation.. so I had to buy them.
My son started reaching out to me two weeks ago (right after he turned 18) and we met a couple of times in secret, until my ex found out. My son and I had two great meetings, we laughed and joked, just like old times.
This morning I found out through the neighbor, that my ex is now trying to have my son put an injunction on me…. because the ex is trying to sue me for back child support when he took the children full time against the court order. If my son starts communicating with me then it will ruin my ex’s case. So he is trying to convince my son to do this. Two steps forward, twelve steps back!!!
I can’t take much more. I feel like I am being swallowed whole.. Every morning I wake up realizing that it is another day without my beautiful twins.
I’m glad this blog could be of help. I’m also so glad to hear you’re making at least a little progress. Don’t underestimate the power of even short visits. That is what they need, to see you don’t match the stories. To know you’re there for them. It sounds like they spent so many years scared that their dad would reject them because it was such an unstable relationship. And I wouldn’t believe for a second they aren’t thrilled you are reaching out. They need that. Keep showing love. Of course, that doesn’t mean being a doormat.